I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote anything here. And as this is one of the ways I hold myself accountable, well…let’s just say I haven’t felt much like doing that lately.
This is going to be a quick post for a few reasons:
- I have a bag full of grading to do. It’s the end of the school year, and I’m bound and determined to finish grades tonight so that all I have to do is grade final exams.
- I don’t much feel like writing anything.
A couple of weeks ago I was able to make it back to one of my support group meetings since my Rotary Club didn’t have a meeting that week. It was really odd going back since it had been so long (9 months). I was a bit fearful and I suppose I felt that way because I felt like I would be judged. I was also fearful because I was afraid there wouldn’t be anyone I knew there. Gee, it felt just like it did the first time I went to one of those meetings! I saw one of the ladies who was a regular in the group before and joked that I’d been the Prodigal Patient, because that’s what I felt like going back to that meeting.
The meeting was led by an intern, not Dr. Ashmore. This was slightly disappointing because I wanted to talk with him directly about setting up an appointment to see him. I guess I will have to do that once I am back from the travel I am about to head out on.
It felt odd being back because of my long absence. There were four folks there that I remember from before so I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable. This particular meeting didn’t have any structure to it, so I felt lost. I didn’t feel like going back gave me what I needed. And at this point, I am not sure what I need from a support group. I don’t even know what my goals are at this point.
I feel like I need to kick my own ass back into gear but have little to no motivation to do it. I feel like I need to set new goals but I don’t know what to aim for.
When I joked about feeling like the Prodigal Patient, I wasn’t kidding. If you don’t know the story of the Prodigal Son, here’s a good summary.
Like the Prodigal Son wasted what his father gave him, I feel like I’ve squandered the opportunity I’ve been given to get my health in order. And for no good reason either. I’m really angry about this, although even if there was a good reason for what has happened, I’d probably still be angry about it. And I am angry with myself. There is no one to be angry with but me. This is entirely my fault and it is up to me to fix it. But how?
I feel very, very, very lost and the only way I know how to calm the anxiety about this lost feeling is to self-medicate with food. I wish I would self-medicate with exercise instead. At least then I’d be in better shape than I am now.
I need to find another way to do this because it’s not working. My clothes are not fitting right and I’m starting to have aches where I didn’t before. Neither of these things are good and they don’t make me feel good about myself either.
I’m considering the solution that everyone always has in this situation: go back to basics. Which for me means going back to pre-op diet world, and in these next three weeks that is not practical for me. Starting Tuesday of next week, I am on the road for 11 days on a trip for work. I will not have access to a refrigerator or have much control over what food is served me as there will be catering each day. So I will just move as much as possible and keep things as simple as possible while I’m gone and hope that I don’t put on any more weight than I’ve already done. I can do basics once I’m back home and have much, much more control over my environment.
I feel like I’m crawling to Friday. I see myself in my head on hands and knees, crawling toward an end. It’s a bleak image in my head, but it accurately reflects how I feel right now.
I just want the mojo I had about this whole process a year and a half ago back. That’s all.
Posted in challenges, fighting biology, frustrated fat, head trips, post-op life, reflections, regain, self-image, vsg, weight loss surgery, WLS
Tagged behavioral fatigue, being authentic, being real, body image, challenges, choices, failing but not a failure, fear, fighting the fat girl, goals, I am NOT perfect, la guerra, lost, oh behave!, post-op life, reflections, regain, self-care, shit is hard, sleeve gastrectomy, stress, support, survival mode, the mojo is gone, the sleeve, the struggle is real, VSG, vsg realness, WLS, work that head game
Not surprised by this week’s gain for a couple of reasons. One, I am retaining water (thanks, nature, you suck); two, I rested from gym workouts this week. I was so sore from the leg workout I did last Saturday that I was in pain for most of the week, so I decided to give my body a break. I literally could not move for the first 3 days post-workout without yelping in pain. What was the source of this pain, you ask? Squats up against the wall with a balance ball. Because the leg press machine at my gym is hard on my back (it pushes very, very uncomfortably on the small of my back), I have resorted to doing balance ball squats instead to work my quads. It’s a better workout anyway, since I’m basically leg pressing my body weight with every repetition, and this is heavier than any plates I could put on the leg press machine and move anyway.
Posted in challenges, exercise, fighting biology, la guerra, meal planning, planning, post-op, progreso, reflections, support, the sleeve, vsg, weight loss surgery, werk!
Tagged challenges, frustrated fat, goals, I work out, la guerra, meal planning, post-op eating, post-op life, progreso, progress report, reflections, she's got skillz, shit is hard, sleeve gastrectomy, stupid hormones, support, the body is a funny thing, the sleeve, VSG, vsg realness, werk!, WLS, workin' on my fitness
This post is going to be a fast one, as I’m slowly excavating myself from under a pile of grading. It is the end of the semester, and grades are due tomorrow at 4, so I’ve been grading like a mofo every night this week. Progress is slow, because it’s all essay reading. But I haven’t forgotten about the blog!
In the next few days, I will:
- Write a piece on mindful eating. We had a great session about it in group tonight that I think is worth sharing.
- Write a review of Dr. Nicholson’s new book, Weight Loss Surgery: The Real Skinny. Outstanding resource for those who have had or who are contemplating WLS.
- Comment on how I navigated a week’s worth of food celebrations and possible poor choices. Hint: I did pretty well.
- Compile a post that will be helpful to those who are early on in the process of pursuing bariatric surgery.
- Write a third installment of “Things I Wish My Doctor Had Told Me” since I’m approaching my 6-month surgiversary.
- Catch up on my Daily Bites series. I know some of my readers use the photo collages to help them see that eating post-op doesn’t have to be boring. I’ve snapped photos but haven’t had time to organize them. Thankfully, I have MyFitnessPal records to help me there!
And now I return to the kitchen table to plow through the last set of essays to grade until bedtime, and then sleep…sweet, sweet sleep. Until tomorrow…
Posted in challenges, la guerra, post-op, support, the sleeve, therapy, vsg, weight loss surgery, what's up doc?, work happens
Tagged being authentic, being real, post-op life, support, therapy, vsg and work, what's coming?, what's up doc?, WLS resources
Today was my first day back at school after a summer which was anything but ordinary. I won’t lie, I am completely wiped out. I had not anticipated this level of fatigue before today–I thought because I was feeling really good, and getting in all my protein and water that I would be fully energetic all day long.
WRONG. So. Very. Wrong!
By the time I got home this evening, I could barely drag myself out of the car–and I still had things to bring in from there! I had to run a few errands after work because I knew if I didn’t do them today, they wouldn’t get done at all.
Today’s food choices:
Today’s food choices, from upper right: multivitamin x2 (I ran out of my calcium supplement! Poor planning on my part; more is on its way); Starbucks Trenta Passion Tea, no syrup, with 4 packets Splenda (so delicious); Sargento Reduced Fat Sharp Cheddar Cheese sticks x2; 2.5 ounces Boar’s Head Maple Glazed Turkey Breast; turkey picadillo taco filling with Monterey Jack cheese sprinkled on top x2.
When I bought my calcium supplements, I didn’t realize that I had only bought a 15 day supply. Oops! I ordered some more last night from the manufacturer, who was giving a 25% discount plus free shipping on orders over $35. I’ll write more about them tomorrow in my Friday Five post. Stay tuned for that one!
At our weekly weight loss support group meeting, Dr. A led us in a discussion about goal setting. This discussion could not have been more timely.
Posted in daily bites, goals, vsg, weight loss surgery
Tagged daily bites, goal setting, goals, planning for success, post-op eating, post-op life, she's got skillz, sorry for sleeve rocking, support, VSG, vsg realness, WLS, work that head game
Today’s food choices:
Today’s food choices, from upper left: scrambled eggs with ham and cheese (I had part for breakfast, and part for my mid-day snack, tossed the rest); multivitamin and calcium supplement x2; beef chili with a bit of American cheese and some vegetarian chili (I ate the navy beans out of it, so about 1/4 cup of that); Isopure Zero Carb; turkey picadillo taco filling with a sprinkle of Monterey Jack cheese on top.
In other news…
My love came home today!
I went to the hospital a bit earlier today to see if I could catch any of the doctors, nurse practitioners…whoever would be visiting J this morning to declare him discharged. He was sitting up in a recliner–the same one I spent most of my time in the hospital in–and sipping on some water when I arrived. This was a relief, as yesterday he couldn’t have sipped more than a half a teaspoon at a time without becoming seriously nauseated.
Posted in daily bites, family, post-op, vsg, weight loss surgery
Tagged post-op eating, post-op life, shit is hard, sleeve gastrectomy, sleeve twin, support, VSG, vsg realness, WLS, wls spouse
Yesterday I had posted a Facebook status about how proud I was of myself for sticking to my nutrition goals for the week (I have done a good job, methinks), and one of my friends replied by telling me that she shared with the folks in her lab about “how awesome [I] was for doing this for myself, but sharing [my] experience openly” (her words, not mine). Continue reading