Tag Archives: stress

Post-Op Week 99: The Prodigal Patient

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote anything here.  And as this is one of the ways I hold myself accountable, well…let’s just say I haven’t felt much like doing that lately.

This is going to be a quick post for a few reasons:

  • I have a bag full of grading to do.  It’s the end of the school year, and I’m bound and determined to finish grades tonight so that all I have to do is grade final exams.
  • I don’t much feel like writing anything.

A couple of weeks ago I was able to make it back to one of my support group meetings since my Rotary Club didn’t have a meeting that week.  It was really odd going back since it had been so long (9 months).  I was a bit fearful and I suppose I felt that way because I felt like I would be judged.  I was also fearful because I was afraid there wouldn’t be anyone I knew there.  Gee, it felt just like it did the first time I went to one of those meetings!  I saw one of the ladies who was a regular in the group before and joked that I’d been the Prodigal Patient, because that’s what I felt like going back to that meeting.

The meeting was led by an intern, not Dr. Ashmore.  This was slightly disappointing because I wanted to talk with him directly about setting up an appointment to see him.  I guess I will have to do that once I am back from the travel I am about to head out on.

It felt odd being back because of my long absence.  There were four folks there that I remember from before so I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable.  This particular meeting didn’t have any structure to it, so I felt lost.  I didn’t feel like going back gave me what I needed.  And at this point, I am not sure what I need from a support group.  I don’t even know what my goals are at this point.

I feel like I need to kick my own ass back into gear but have little to no motivation to do it.   I feel like I need to set new goals but I don’t know what to aim for.

When I joked about feeling like the Prodigal Patient, I wasn’t kidding.  If you don’t know the story of the Prodigal Son, here’s a good summary.

Like the Prodigal Son wasted what his father gave him, I feel like I’ve squandered the opportunity I’ve been given to get my health in order.  And for no good reason either.  I’m really angry about this, although even if there was a good reason for what has happened, I’d probably still be angry about it.  And I am angry with myself.  There is no one to be angry with but me.  This is entirely my fault and it is up to me to fix it.  But how?

I feel very, very, very lost and the only way I know how to calm the anxiety about this lost feeling is to self-medicate with food.  I wish I would self-medicate with exercise instead.  At least then I’d be in better shape than I am now.  :/

I need to find another way to do this because it’s not working.  My clothes are not fitting right and I’m starting to have aches where I didn’t before.  Neither of these things are good and they don’t make me feel good about myself either.

I’m considering the solution that everyone always has in this situation:  go back to basics.  Which for me means going back to pre-op diet world, and in these next three weeks that is not practical for me.  Starting Tuesday of next week, I am on the road for 11 days on a trip for work.  I will not have access to a refrigerator or have much control over what food is served me as there will be catering each day.  So I will just move as much as possible and keep things as simple as possible while I’m gone and hope that I don’t put on any more weight than I’ve already done.  I can do basics once I’m back home and have much, much more control over my environment.

I feel like I’m crawling to Friday.  I see myself in my head on hands and knees, crawling toward an end.  It’s a bleak image in my head, but it accurately reflects how I feel right now.

I just want the mojo I had about this whole process a year and a half ago back.  That’s all.

Post-Op Week 96: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

…feels like an oncoming train these days.

So what do I do?  I cook, I eat, and I plod on.

Here’s a sampling of what I cooked last week (I’m a week late, I know).

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Top:  pot roast with fresh herbs and veggies.

Left:  broccoli, ham egg and cheese frittata.

Right:  white bean, kale and sausage stew.

Just trying to keep my head above water (pretty literally these days, we’re experiencing record rains after being in drought for 5 years).  June 5 cannot get here soon enough.

Post-Op Week 86: Waving the White Flag, For Now

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I think my doctors were right.  The weight range I’m in now is probably a good weight for me.  For the past 3 months, I have bounced back and forth, up and down around the same weight on the scale, and I am discouraged.  I feel like I have disappointed myself.  I’m not giving up this fight, but I’m not giving it my best, and I know it.

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Post-Op Week 75 Progress Report: #thestruggleisreal

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And here we go again with the weight loss cha-cha.  It doesn’t help that I’m retaining water right now (thanks, hormones) and that I want to eat everything that isn’t nailed down. 

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Post-Op Week 73 Progress Report: Vacation Damage

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Up 4.4 pounds this week but I know exactly why.  I ate way more starchy carbs than usual while on vacation last week.  This was a conscious choice I made, and I’m not sorry I did it.  I knew what would happen if I did it, and I knew what the consequences would be.  So I’m not surprised that I saw a jump on the scale this morning.  I am surprised it wasn’t greater!  But I’m also glad it wasn’t greater.

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Post-Op Week 69 Progress Report: Self-Care Takes a Holiday

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Discouraged this week by the slight uptick on the scale but this week was the week from hell.  Unfortunately this whole month looks to be that way.  This week, I fell down on the job of taking care of myself, and I let stress make choices for me that I wouldn’t have made otherwise.

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Post-Op Week 68 Progress Report: Disappointed

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A little frustrated by my progress as of late but glad to see the scale is still trending downward.  Not being able to be as active as I’d like has really thrown a wrench into my plans to exercise 5 days a week.  I still go 5 days a week, but I feel like I can’t put in as hard a workout as I could before since my knee injury.  I did go early Friday morning and swim, so that may be something I continue to do:  get up at the asscrack of dawn and go swimming.  There is something soothing about swimming back and forth for 40 laps.  All I do is concentrate on breathing, and propelling myself forward.  I don’t have to think about anything else.  It’s very Zen.

I have an MRI scheduled for this coming Saturday morning to see what’s going on in my right knee.  If I have torn meniscus cartilage, I will have to have the knee scoped.  When, I have no idea.  I will have to find the time between now and EVER to be out of commission for about two weeks.  I am NOT jazzed about this.  At. ALL.

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