Tag Archives: fear

Post-Op Week 99: The Prodigal Patient

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote anything here.  And as this is one of the ways I hold myself accountable, well…let’s just say I haven’t felt much like doing that lately.

This is going to be a quick post for a few reasons:

  • I have a bag full of grading to do.  It’s the end of the school year, and I’m bound and determined to finish grades tonight so that all I have to do is grade final exams.
  • I don’t much feel like writing anything.

A couple of weeks ago I was able to make it back to one of my support group meetings since my Rotary Club didn’t have a meeting that week.  It was really odd going back since it had been so long (9 months).  I was a bit fearful and I suppose I felt that way because I felt like I would be judged.  I was also fearful because I was afraid there wouldn’t be anyone I knew there.  Gee, it felt just like it did the first time I went to one of those meetings!  I saw one of the ladies who was a regular in the group before and joked that I’d been the Prodigal Patient, because that’s what I felt like going back to that meeting.

The meeting was led by an intern, not Dr. Ashmore.  This was slightly disappointing because I wanted to talk with him directly about setting up an appointment to see him.  I guess I will have to do that once I am back from the travel I am about to head out on.

It felt odd being back because of my long absence.  There were four folks there that I remember from before so I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable.  This particular meeting didn’t have any structure to it, so I felt lost.  I didn’t feel like going back gave me what I needed.  And at this point, I am not sure what I need from a support group.  I don’t even know what my goals are at this point.

I feel like I need to kick my own ass back into gear but have little to no motivation to do it.   I feel like I need to set new goals but I don’t know what to aim for.

When I joked about feeling like the Prodigal Patient, I wasn’t kidding.  If you don’t know the story of the Prodigal Son, here’s a good summary.

Like the Prodigal Son wasted what his father gave him, I feel like I’ve squandered the opportunity I’ve been given to get my health in order.  And for no good reason either.  I’m really angry about this, although even if there was a good reason for what has happened, I’d probably still be angry about it.  And I am angry with myself.  There is no one to be angry with but me.  This is entirely my fault and it is up to me to fix it.  But how?

I feel very, very, very lost and the only way I know how to calm the anxiety about this lost feeling is to self-medicate with food.  I wish I would self-medicate with exercise instead.  At least then I’d be in better shape than I am now.  :/

I need to find another way to do this because it’s not working.  My clothes are not fitting right and I’m starting to have aches where I didn’t before.  Neither of these things are good and they don’t make me feel good about myself either.

I’m considering the solution that everyone always has in this situation:  go back to basics.  Which for me means going back to pre-op diet world, and in these next three weeks that is not practical for me.  Starting Tuesday of next week, I am on the road for 11 days on a trip for work.  I will not have access to a refrigerator or have much control over what food is served me as there will be catering each day.  So I will just move as much as possible and keep things as simple as possible while I’m gone and hope that I don’t put on any more weight than I’ve already done.  I can do basics once I’m back home and have much, much more control over my environment.

I feel like I’m crawling to Friday.  I see myself in my head on hands and knees, crawling toward an end.  It’s a bleak image in my head, but it accurately reflects how I feel right now.

I just want the mojo I had about this whole process a year and a half ago back.  That’s all.

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Post-Op Week 97: Failing vs. Failure

I haven’t felt much like taking pictures of myself the past couple of weeks because I haven’t made any progress.  If anything, I have regressed.

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With regard to my self-care, this is how I have felt the past few months. I am trying hard to plant my feet in the “I am failing” camp rather than the “I am a failure” camp.  I am failing myself right now but am trying to take small steps back toward being successful again.  I don’t see myself as a failure yet, which is good.  But I know I am failing.  And rather than pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows along this path to health, I’m just going to say it: I’ve sucked at taking care of myself the past 6 months.  There, I said it.

I AM NOT DOING WELL RIGHT NOW.

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It Doesn’t Get Old But It Will Fade, and Then What?

“You look really good!”
“You are looking awesome!”
“You are doing such a good job!”

Hearing these things definitely does NOT get old.

I have heard these things more this week than I ever have.  But I suppose when you lose nearly 140 pounds, work in a school with a faculty that numbers nearly 400, and don’t see them very often, it’s bound to happen sooner than later. Continue reading

Post-Op Week 23 Progress Report and Less Than 100 To Goal!

Good loss this week. I think my losses are slowing down to a healthy 2-3 pounds a week as I approach the 6-months post-op mark.  I don’t care how long it takes me to get to my goal, just so long as I get there.

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Today marks another milestone: I now have less than 100 pounds to lose to get to my weight loss goal. I am less than 50 pounds from my surgeon’s goal.  It is weird to think that I could possibly be at MY goal by the summer.

And to be completely real with you, dear reader, I. Am. Terrified. Continue reading

Post-Op Week 19 Progress Report and The Halfway Point

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Good loss this week, despite being waterlogged (thanks, hormones, you suck).  I’m actually surprised to post a loss because I’m retaining water in the worst way even though I drink like it’s my job pretty much every day.

As of today I have also lost a little over 66 inches from all over my body.  This trips me out because that’s a little over 2 inches longer than I am tall.  So another way to look at this is that I have lost a 5’6″ woman who weighs 114 pounds off of my body.

Great perspective, isn’t it?

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Back At It: The Gym

I finally did it.
I went back to the gym for the first time in a long, long while tonight.

Originally, I’d planned to go walking/running in the park by our house, but by the time I got home and changed clothes, it was already dark.  Not really wanting to exercise in the dark, my husband offered to take me to the gym since he was going there anyway, so I decided to go.  Continue reading

The Law of Diminishing Returns

I have to make this a quickie as I’ve got student emails to answer–there is a big assignment due tomorrow, and my students are freaking out about it. I told them I’d answer emails until 10:30, and after that, they were on their own.  I get the feeling that I’ll get a barrage of emails here in the next 10 minutes since these guys are like every other high schooler on the planet–waiting until the last minute to complete an assignment that they were given over a week to do.

Anyway…one thing I did want to write about today was my frustration with this: Continue reading