Tag Archives: body image

Post-Op Week 106: Revisiting the Pre-Op Diet

So it’s been 2 years since my VSG surgery, and I’m on the brink of a second surgery.

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Post-Op Week 99: The Prodigal Patient

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote anything here.  And as this is one of the ways I hold myself accountable, well…let’s just say I haven’t felt much like doing that lately.

This is going to be a quick post for a few reasons:

  • I have a bag full of grading to do.  It’s the end of the school year, and I’m bound and determined to finish grades tonight so that all I have to do is grade final exams.
  • I don’t much feel like writing anything.

A couple of weeks ago I was able to make it back to one of my support group meetings since my Rotary Club didn’t have a meeting that week.  It was really odd going back since it had been so long (9 months).  I was a bit fearful and I suppose I felt that way because I felt like I would be judged.  I was also fearful because I was afraid there wouldn’t be anyone I knew there.  Gee, it felt just like it did the first time I went to one of those meetings!  I saw one of the ladies who was a regular in the group before and joked that I’d been the Prodigal Patient, because that’s what I felt like going back to that meeting.

The meeting was led by an intern, not Dr. Ashmore.  This was slightly disappointing because I wanted to talk with him directly about setting up an appointment to see him.  I guess I will have to do that once I am back from the travel I am about to head out on.

It felt odd being back because of my long absence.  There were four folks there that I remember from before so I didn’t feel completely uncomfortable.  This particular meeting didn’t have any structure to it, so I felt lost.  I didn’t feel like going back gave me what I needed.  And at this point, I am not sure what I need from a support group.  I don’t even know what my goals are at this point.

I feel like I need to kick my own ass back into gear but have little to no motivation to do it.   I feel like I need to set new goals but I don’t know what to aim for.

When I joked about feeling like the Prodigal Patient, I wasn’t kidding.  If you don’t know the story of the Prodigal Son, here’s a good summary.

Like the Prodigal Son wasted what his father gave him, I feel like I’ve squandered the opportunity I’ve been given to get my health in order.  And for no good reason either.  I’m really angry about this, although even if there was a good reason for what has happened, I’d probably still be angry about it.  And I am angry with myself.  There is no one to be angry with but me.  This is entirely my fault and it is up to me to fix it.  But how?

I feel very, very, very lost and the only way I know how to calm the anxiety about this lost feeling is to self-medicate with food.  I wish I would self-medicate with exercise instead.  At least then I’d be in better shape than I am now.  :/

I need to find another way to do this because it’s not working.  My clothes are not fitting right and I’m starting to have aches where I didn’t before.  Neither of these things are good and they don’t make me feel good about myself either.

I’m considering the solution that everyone always has in this situation:  go back to basics.  Which for me means going back to pre-op diet world, and in these next three weeks that is not practical for me.  Starting Tuesday of next week, I am on the road for 11 days on a trip for work.  I will not have access to a refrigerator or have much control over what food is served me as there will be catering each day.  So I will just move as much as possible and keep things as simple as possible while I’m gone and hope that I don’t put on any more weight than I’ve already done.  I can do basics once I’m back home and have much, much more control over my environment.

I feel like I’m crawling to Friday.  I see myself in my head on hands and knees, crawling toward an end.  It’s a bleak image in my head, but it accurately reflects how I feel right now.

I just want the mojo I had about this whole process a year and a half ago back.  That’s all.

Post-Op Week 97: Failing vs. Failure

I haven’t felt much like taking pictures of myself the past couple of weeks because I haven’t made any progress.  If anything, I have regressed.

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With regard to my self-care, this is how I have felt the past few months. I am trying hard to plant my feet in the “I am failing” camp rather than the “I am a failure” camp.  I am failing myself right now but am trying to take small steps back toward being successful again.  I don’t see myself as a failure yet, which is good.  But I know I am failing.  And rather than pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows along this path to health, I’m just going to say it: I’ve sucked at taking care of myself the past 6 months.  There, I said it.

I AM NOT DOING WELL RIGHT NOW.

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Post-Op Week 93: It Messes With Your Mind

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Slow and steady wins the race, right?   This week I went veggie heavy and it seems to have paid off.  So I’ll be doing that again this week too.  I really like how I feel when I eat veggies, so this will be something that I continue to do.

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Post-Op Week 66 Progress Report: Achievement Unlocked–Misses Size Pants

image This week saw me lose most of the gain I had last week.  How, I don’t know.   This was a good week for the most part, though.
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Post-Op Week 47 Progress Report: In Which I Bravely Uncover My Body’s Imperfections

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This week’s progress is following the pattern that I have come to recognize at this time of my cycle:  slight gain before my period, followed by a slightly larger loss.  So I’m hopeful that next week will show a loss on the scale.  I knew I was a little puffy this morning when I got up and my feet felt stiff and turgid and my rings were a bit more snug.  That’s the big indicator that I’m retaining water, aside from feeling bloated and having tender breasts.  That’ll come later in the week, I’m sure.  UGH.

My eating wasn’t horrible this week but it wasn’t the best either.  Gotta get my eating priorities in order and aim for goal.  So glad this is the last week of school so I can spend more time focusing on getting to where I eventually want my weight to be.  I also need to set smaller goals for myself with rewards–I haven’t done this in a while.  I am 5 weeks away from my 1-year mark, and I’m not close to where I want to be by the time I see my doctor again–still 9 pounds away from doc’s goal, but 19 from where I want to be by July 10, when I see him for my 1-year appointment.

DISCLAIMER:  Under the cut, you’re going to encounter what a body that has lost nearly 170 pounds (nearly 210 from its heaviest weight) really looks like.  If you’re post-op, then you have likely encountered the same sights.  If you’re pre-op, just consider the photos you’ll see prep for what lies ahead for you, especially if you have over 100 pounds to lose.  And if you’re drinking the Haterade because you see fat shaming as sport, just move along.  I don’t have time to trifle with people of your ilk.  You see, one of the unspoken benefits of having lost all this weight is that the degree to which I care what others think is quite low.  In fact:

lookatallthefucksigiveabout what you think about how I look.  I don’t suffer any fools.  SN:  I love this meme…

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let me proceed with the rest of the post after the jump.

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Post-Op Week 46 Progress Report: Mental and Physical Aches and Pains

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This week’s progress is good. With the adjustment in my calorie intake (I’m at 1100-1200 daily now), I’m still losing.  Slowly, but still losing.  It’s not a sprint, but a marathon, right?  I don’t care how long it takes to get there as long as I get there.

The past few weeks have been a real mental fight for me as behavioral fatigue is setting in big time.

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