Category Archives: Uncategorized

Back to square one

Well, I lost the 3.8 pounds I gained last week, putting me squarely where I’ve been stuck since October. I am not looking forward to my 6-month checkup next month, since I don’t think I will have made any progress since my last visit in December.

I’ve picked up reading some other weight loss bloggers’ stories on their blogs, and one in particular has been helpful, with regard to lunchtime planning. Andie Mitchell, of Can You Stay For Dinner? has a great post about eating a salad every day at lunchtime. I decided to adopt that habit, and so I’ve eaten a salad every day at lunch (at least during the week) along with some protein and a small dessert (usually fruit).

I’ve also been downing water and tea like crazy. I’ve been taking a 32 ounce cup to work, filling it up with ice and water and chugging away every class period. By workday’s end, I usually finish 4, if not 5 cups of just water. A few weeks ago I gave up Coke Zero for Lent, and honestly, it’s been tough getting back into the habit. I find that now I will have one or two a weekend, rather than one or two daily. Perhaps this is a good thing–my kidneys need the water more, anyway.

What I do need is to get my workout mojo back. Right now, I am finding it increasingly more difficult to find motivation to get to the gym. I know there’s no good excuse, but I am finding it hard to get motivated to do much of anything anymore. As I’ve said before, my work is making me really unhappy, and that is spilling over into the rest of my life. Thankfully, the school year is coming to a close soon, and I can at least take a temporary break from it. I have a list of things I’m wanting to try, fitness-wise, and I think summer will give me the time I need to rest, recharge and rediscover why I began this journey in the first place.

Feeling a bit like the Red Queen…

I’ve been terrible about updating here, I know. Being a full-time teacher and wife while trying to take care of my health is not easy in the least…I don’t know how my colleagues with kids do it.

Not much has changed, weight-wise. I am at the same weight I was when I last updated. I can’t seem to get out of this weight bracket, and it’s really bothering me. I’ve tried counting calories, cutting carbs, cutting diet sodas, increasing protein, working out more, and nothing seems to be working. I’m on a monster plateau, and I feel like I can’t get off.

But I know changes are happening. My clothes are fitting better, I can see more veins under my skin, and I have muscle tone in places I didn’t use to have any. So what gives?

I take a multivitamin, a B12 supplement, a vitamin D supplement, CoQ10, green tea capsules (hate the taste of it so I refuse to drink it), and chromium picolinate. I wonder if there’s something else I should be taking?

I eat 8-9 servings of veggies/fruits a day, I eat whole grains, lean proteins, and eat few starchy carbs. Sugars are kept to a minimum since I’m diabetic, and I get quite a bit of fiber. I drink water and tea like a camel–anywhere from 12-14 cups a day.

I lift heavy weights, I ride the recumbent bike at the gym for 40 minutes at a time now, and still I fight with the same 5 pounds. I am tired of fighting the good fight. My motivation is at an all-time low–last week I only worked out twice, partly because I was super busy, but mostly because I’m starting to believe that no matter what I do, nothing is going to get me over this hump.

I need a reset button, something to get me back on track and going again. I wish I knew what it was.

I will be grateful for the summer, and for the time off. The stress I’m experiencing because of work is tremendous, and perhaps all the corticosteroids I’m releasing are stifling my efforts at weight loss. The biologist in me thinks about that a lot, because I know cortisol can contribute to weight gain. Perhaps taking up yoga is in order?

I don’t know…I just know that I need things to move along tout suite, or I will end up right back where I began in August 2010. And that is not a place I ever want to be again.

What does thin feel like?

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

That quote has to be the biggest crock of shit ever, especially if you’ve never been thin.


I was always a big kid. Thin has never been something I’ve ever felt. Thin is not something I can really even conceive of, because it’s something I’ve never been.

Likewise, if you’ve never been fat, you have no idea what it’s like. Sure, you may have put on a few pounds here and there so that your favorite jeans don’t fit, and so to you, that’s fat. Or you may have eaten a little too much at your birthday dinner, and so you feel the need to exclaim, “oh my gah, I’m soooo fat!”

As a fat woman, I can tell you, that ain’t fat.

Try being the 13 year old kid who has to shop in the women’s department for a size 18W pair of pants, or being the 9 year old whose PE teacher exclaims, “Oh my God, you’re 100 pounds” as she reads your weight off the scale in front of everyone on the day of Presidential Fitness testing. Try being the woman who gets told minutes before takeoff that she must purchase another seat on the flight because she takes up more than her designated space.

To be those people is to put yourself in my shoes. Until you’ve actually been fat, you have no idea what it’s like. Which brings me back to that inane saying above. I’ve never been thin, and I know that based on my body frame alone, I will never be truly thin. I only know that I will be thinner than I am now–something I am continuing to work toward.

I also know that the food I put into my mouth tastes good, and that it is just food–neither good nor bad. It just is. I refuse to deny myself things that taste good in the name of being thin. To deny myself the things I love to eat is to set myself up for the inevitable massive bender, in which I eat those things in great quantity uncontrollably. I would much rather have small bites or amounts of those things rather than cut them out of my life altogether. I think that life is much too short to eat the things you don’t really enjoy, so why not just control how much of those things you consume? It’s worked for me so far, but I’ll admit, there are still some times when portion control is a challenge for me. It is something I struggle with daily, much like an alcoholic struggles with whether or not to drink; I struggle with how much of something I should or should not eat.

Eating got me to my heaviest weight, and eating has gotten me 100 pounds away from it. I still have quite a bit to go, and when I get to what I think my goal weight is, I still won’t be considered thin by all the standard measures–in fact, I’ll still be considered obese. I do know that it is thinner than I’ve ever been as an adult, and that once I get there, I will certainly celebrate because I will finally know what it feels like to be thin.


This week’s progress report: -2.4 pounds
Total loss: -92.2 pounds

At left, me in August 2010 when I began this road to health. At right, me today, -92 pounds lighter.

Not going to make my Valentine’s goal of -100. I’m okay with that. If I can hit -95 by Valentine’s, which I think I can, I’ll be happy. I want to hit and exceed -100 by my birthday in March, though. If I can get there before my birthday, even better.

Increasing my cardio workouts helped, I think. So that’s what I’m going to keep on doing. This week: 20 minute walks on the treadmill every time I go to the gym, coupled with my recumbent bike riding and strength training. Guess I need to get up a tiny bit earlier to fit it all in.