Post-Op Week 95: Good Enough is Good Enough

When is good enough good enough?

When it is all you can do to keep your head above water.

When it is all you can do not to completely derail all the good you’ve done yourself.

When it is all you can do to try and stay motivated to try and get to goal, whatever that means.

This is good enough.  For now.

I’ve decided to coast until June, when I will have the time to devote to taking care of myself the way I should be.  Somewhere along the way I let other things take priority, and I stopped being selfish.  I stopped putting me first, and it hasn’t worked out well for me.  I have noticed that I’m reverting back to old habits (they die hard, surgery didn’t fix those), and it’s not pretty. I need help right now because I feel like I’m failing miserably and that I’m self-destructing.

And I don’t know why.

I’m planning on making an appointment with the psychologist who did my pre-op psych evaluation, Dr. Ashmore, whose specialty is bariatric surgery patients. I need that expertise to help me before I spiral completely out of control.

Not helping things today:  my husband put on a pair of knit shorts earlier, which turned out to be mine.  They fit him perfectly.  Talk about a mighty blow to the self-esteem.  It’s depressing and demoralizing to know that he can wear my shorts.  It makes me feel huge and takes me back to feeling like I weigh 440 pounds again.  It also makes me feel like I haven’t accomplished much in the way of remodeling my body.

I hate these feelings.  I hate how I’m allowing myself to behave.  I hate that I’m not taking good care of myself.  I know better than this.

I need to get this under control or I will weigh 440 pounds again.