Post-Op Week 88: A Confession

Forgive me, body, for I have sinned.  A lot.  So I’m starting over.

image

I’m experiencing the dreaded regain that I feared from the beginning of all this, and I’m stuck firmly in it.  The backslide has to stop, and it has to stop now.  I can feel the weight that’s come back on, and I don’t like it. Only about 3 pounds of this is attributable to the fact that my period is due any hour now, but the rest…that’s all on me and what I’ve elected to eat.  And that behavior has to stop.

It’s funny how when I weighed twice as much, if I gained a couple of pounds, I didn’t notice it.  Now, I notice it.  I can see it, I can feel it, and I can tell my clothes aren’t fitting as they should.  And that’s completely unacceptable.

I decided that to get myself back on track to revert to the way things were during my pre-op dieting days, but just for a week to give my body a hard reset.  It will be a good reminder of why I had surgery in the first place.  If I need to do it for another week, then I will.  But I know what I’m supposed to be doing, and I’m not doing it, so drastic measures must be taken.

I also decided to reset my progress counter to zero as I now weigh what a lot of folks who consider having bariatric surgery start out weighing.  As someone who was once considered super morbidly obese, this used to bother me tremendously because I’d think, “Well why can’t you just change your eating and exercising to lose the 80 pounds you need to lose?  You don’t even have to lose 100 pounds!  I have to lose 250!”  Now I understand why they turn to surgery as well.  I’m in those same shoes, but not looking to lose 80 pounds, just 40.  So my goal is to lose 40 more pounds and then stop.  I am feeling bones and seeing bones but I also know I am still carrying around too much weight.  If I am going to have knee surgery this summer, I need to get this weight off so that my rehab is smooth.  I also want to continue to fit into the badass wardrobe I’ve built for myself.  I don’t have any “fat clothes” now (at least none I’d wear to work or out; my too-big clothes are all my old 3X t-shirts that I wear with my gym pants or that I sleep in), and I refuse to buy bigger sizes.  I enjoy that I get to shop the misses section of the store too much to ever give that up.

I also don’t want to go to my 2-year checkup in July weighing more than I did at my 1-year appointment.  I want to go to my 2-year appointment looking better than I did last year (and I looked pretty good then).  This year’s selfie with my doctor needs to be better than last year’s.  And last year’s was pretty good too.

wpid-img_20140724_103140.jpg

Me and my surgeon at my 1-year follow up. I want my 2-year appointment photo to be even better looking than this one. I can only control half of how good this photo looks, so it’s time to step it up!

So a week of 3 protein shakes a day plus one “lean and green” meal it is.  I have done it before and I can do it again.  “Lean and green” = 4 oz. lean protein plus 1/2 cup nonstarchy veggies.  I did the shopping today and chose boneless chicken breast as my protein and green beans as my veggie for the week.  I’m about to prep the chicken here in a few so that I can pack it out for my lunches this week.  I’ve decided to have my meal at lunch time so that work is a little easier to manage, and so that my “big” meal is in the middle of the day rather than at the end.

Behavioral fatigue is a real thing, y’all, and lest you think it won’t happen to you, I’m here to tell you, it will.  So you need to be prepared to get real with yourself so you can kick your own ass to get over it.  No one else will do it for you.

I have 16 weeks until my 2-year appointment.  I’ve got this.

Here goes everything.

Advertisements

4 responses to “Post-Op Week 88: A Confession

  1. I feel like we are sisters, just separated by years and miles. I am going through the same thing you are. I understand your pain. My 1 1/2 year check up is in the morning. I may have gained a pound or two since my last 3 month check up. After a vacation starting Tuesday, I am going to go back to the basics. 3 shakes and a lean and green every day. I need that hard reset too. I also have another 40 pounds to get off. Oh, and I have quit going to the gym. Got to get back on that horse.

    • Me too. I quit going to the gym but I know that I need to be hitting it hard because I see now how easily I put weight on without working out. It’s really scary, and now I see how I could very easily get right back up to 440 pounds if I’m not careful. I’m coming off of a week off during which I didn’t track anything but vitamins and water, and during which I ate things I never eat. Time to put that behavior to bed because I can’t afford to get bigger than I am now. Really I’m not all that large, so everyone around me says, but I don’t believe them and I don’t want to because I’m afraid it will make me complacent.

  2. You can do this! You are very aware of how real the struggle really is and you aren’t alone! I’ve been maintaining for a little over a year now and it’s a FIGHT to do it… but we both know just how worth it the fight really is! I’m rooting for you and am so proud of your success!

    • And it’s all too real! 😦 I’m not ready to maintain yet but apparently I was doing it a little before I gained back a little bit. And you are so right, it’s totally worth it! On day two of pre-op diet and the headaches are subsiding but if I can make it through tomorrow without biting someone’s head off, I’ll call the week a win. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s