Post-Op Week 86: Waving the White Flag, For Now

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I think my doctors were right.  The weight range I’m in now is probably a good weight for me.  For the past 3 months, I have bounced back and forth, up and down around the same weight on the scale, and I am discouraged.  I feel like I have disappointed myself.  I’m not giving up this fight, but I’m not giving it my best, and I know it.

I am more worried that my eating has become disordered, and that’s something I need to work on.  When you are obsessing about when you will eat and whether or not you should eat certain things, this is a problem.  When the joy of cooking and eating slowly gets eroded away, something is wrong.  I have gotten to the point where even grocery shopping for myself is something that fills me with dread, because I am buying the same things over and over, and it bores me.  Boredom for me is the worst thing, because I thrive on challenge.  But I’m in a place in my life where I simply Cannot. Handle. Any. More. Challenge.  There is so much on my plate (the least of which is edible), and there is not room for any more of anything.

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So for right now, I am going to plant my feet firmly in maintenance and wait until things blow over.  I’ll still track food and movement because I still need that accountability.  That, and I’ve logged 600 days in My Fitness Pal, so it’s a personal challenge now to log in every day.

I feel like I’m in survival mode most days lately, and I don’t think that I can actively lose weight while trying to keep my head above water with everything else.

If I can make it to June 6 at or about the weight I am now, I will call that a victory.  I’m giving myself an upper limit, which is only 2 pounds more than where I am now–it is a weight I have not seen in over a year and hope not to see again.  But I will use it as my red flag.  If I get to that weight, then I know what needs to be done to crawl back away from it.

So here is my promise to myself:

I live in this body, and I have to take care of it the best way I know how.  So in the meantime:

I will move as much as I can each day.  I will make it to the gym when my schedule allows me to do so.  I will do physical activities I enjoy without pain in the hopes that I can learn to love doing them daily.

I will continue to feed myself quality foods.  I am better and more than than my eating peccadilloes, and I will not let myself wallow in the mistakes I know I will make (consciously and unconsciously).  I am worth more than the low-quality foods that call to me on a daily basis.

I will not compare my results to the results of others who have chosen the same path I have chosen to get healthy.  My path is my own, and no one else’s.

I will try to be gentle and kind to myself, and I will forgive myself for my stumbles.  I am only human, and I am not perfect.

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