Well, there went all the progress I made in January. My face here says it all. I’m frustrated.
I’m tired of fighting this body. I’m tired of my hormones jacking with whatever weight loss I might get to experience at this point. I’m tired of not having time to take care of myself the way I need to. I’m tired of not having a real live support group to go to. I’m tired of the stress I’m under. I’m tired of being tired.
I am really starting to wonder if this weight range is where my body is meant to be. I’m not real happy about it, and I’m not feeling good about myself right now. I feel like I am failing myself. I know that I have lost a tremendous amount of weight in a relatively short time–I don’t need that reminder. I feel like I’m never going to get where I want to be, and that hurts deeply. I’m going to be doing some serious thinking this week about how I can reset myself, because my whole self needs a reset.
I am near the end of my cycle, which typically means I put on weight due to water retention. It also means I will eat anything and everything that isn’t nailed down. At this time of the month, the hunger is insatiable, and I HATE IT. I am seriously considering asking my PCP for an appetite suppressant when I see her tomorrow to go over my 6-month labs.
The other thing that frustrates me about all of this is that I ran out of the diuretic I normally take to keep edema in my left leg at bay. My prescription ran out earlier in the week, and I couldn’t get it refilled until I went to the doctor, which I am not doing until tomorrow. Every morning that I’ve been up, I have noticed the visible puffiness near my ankles in both legs. My salt intake isn’t crazy high or anything, and my fluid intake is off the chain (I regularly get a gallon of water/tea daily). It also didn’t help that I’m retaining water anyway because of my hormones being on the downside of ovulation–thanks, progesterone, you evil steroid, you. Those levels will be falling soon enough though.
I’m hoping my labs tomorrow look as good as they did 6 months ago. How I will proceed from here will be partially determined by my bloodwork. Like I mentioned above, this week I’m going to be doing some hard thinking about how to reset myself.
I did fix breakfasts for the next two weeks as well as lunch for this week. I also made my snack (homemade hummus and carrot chips) for the week. Dinners will be whatever is in the freezer–I have some soup that I need to eat up, and turkey meatballs I can fix with marinara. I’m cutting back on my carb intake this week to see if that helps things.
I feel like I’m in survival mode right now and that it is all I can do to get by. If I can get to the end of the school year at this point, I think that will be an accomplishment.