And here we go again with the weight loss cha-cha. It doesn’t help that I’m retaining water right now (thanks, hormones) and that I want to eat everything that isn’t nailed down.
I’m struggling to get back on track post-vacation, and the piles of work I have to do are doing nothing to help my stress levels. Thankfully there is an end in sight for some of it.
I miss attending the support group I went to every week until it changed nights. I am having a hard time finding the same support in other places. Perhaps it is time to find a different group at another hospital. Whatever I figure out, I have to figure something out soon because I am truly discouraged. I now weigh what I weighed at my 1-year post-op mark. It’s not good, and slightly above what I find acceptable.
I’m starting to wonder if getting under 200 pounds is even realistic for me. I still see the 440-pound me in the mirror every day, and the image is intensified every time the scale trends upward. I also wonder if I’ve ruined my metabolism in some way. I wonder if I need to go back down to 1000 calories daily to see what that does, but I’m afraid of what will happen if it doesn’t work. I’m afraid of being hungry all the time, which it feels like I am right now. I also wonder if I need to add vitamin D since it’s winter now and I’m not making as much (thanks, short days!).
I’m feeling so much doubt and discouragement right now, and I don’t like it. I don’t feel good about myself right now and I feel like waving the white flag and telling the fat girl she’s won. It would be easier than constantly being frustrated by the curveballs my body keeps throwing me.
But I also know I have another surgery coming up that will require me to be as light as I can be so that my rehab is easier. I need not to give up on me right now. If I can make it through to New Years without gaining any more weight, it will be an accomplishment. Just have to get to January 1.