Post-Op Week 68 Progress Report: Disappointed

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A little frustrated by my progress as of late but glad to see the scale is still trending downward.  Not being able to be as active as I’d like has really thrown a wrench into my plans to exercise 5 days a week.  I still go 5 days a week, but I feel like I can’t put in as hard a workout as I could before since my knee injury.  I did go early Friday morning and swim, so that may be something I continue to do:  get up at the asscrack of dawn and go swimming.  There is something soothing about swimming back and forth for 40 laps.  All I do is concentrate on breathing, and propelling myself forward.  I don’t have to think about anything else.  It’s very Zen.

I have an MRI scheduled for this coming Saturday morning to see what’s going on in my right knee.  If I have torn meniscus cartilage, I will have to have the knee scoped.  When, I have no idea.  I will have to find the time between now and EVER to be out of commission for about two weeks.  I am NOT jazzed about this.  At. ALL.

I’ve also been more hungry as of late.  I don’t know if it is because I am more active than I have ever been, or if I am hormonal (thanks nature, you suck), or if I am bored.  It can’t be boredom because I’ve got my fingers in so many pies right now it’s not even funny.  I don’t have time to be bored!  Or maybe this is Fat Girl’s manner of dealing with all the stress I’ve got swirling around me because Thinner Girl can’t exercise the way she really wants to (how SHE deals with stress).  Fat Girl knows how to eat to relieve stress, Thinner Girl knows how to exercise to accomplish the same task.  And now that restrictive exercise is the order of the day, eating becomes an easier, more convenient form of comfort.  And it needs not to be.   I’m struggling with this and I’m not sure how to fix it.

I’m considering bumping my calorie intake up another 100 calories to 1300 daily to keep from grazing, which I’ve noticed I’m doing.  This is not a good thing because it means I’m eating just to eat. And that is no good at all–it will keep me from getting to my immediate goal (being under 200 pounds as an adult), which is only 11 pounds away.  Worst of all, it may lead me to regain what I have worked so hard to lose.  So I have to be vigilant and diligent about tracking (I am–tracking is something I’m pretty fanatic about) and mindful of how I’m feeling when I’m eating.  I’m also pre-planning breakfasts, lunches and snacks so that I can fend off grazing as much as possible.  Lunches this week are grilled chicken breast and a leafy green salad, and breakfast is going to be scrambled eggs with ham and cheese–something protein-packed so that I can fend off hunger (real or perceived) as long as possible.  Snacks this week are pre-measured portions of sliced turkey, turkey jerky, sliced roast beef and cheese.   I measure out my snacks anyway, but I’m going to make doubly sure I do it this week so that I can better control what I’m eating and when.  On workout days, my carb intake will be higher than on days I don’t exercise, which means most days of the week, I’m eating anywhere from 80-100 grams of carbs since I’m exercising most days of the week.   I’m still getting in my fluids every day–at or over 128 ounces–so this is not an issue.  I’m also still taking all my supplements daily, so I’m good there.  I’ll be bumping up my iron intake since my period is due tomorrow or Tuesday and I can feel my iron levels dip during that time–I get very tired very easily during that week, so I take more iron or eat more beef during the week Ma Nature visits.

This week’s challenges are modifying my workout so I can protect my knee, and fitting in the exercise my orthopedic surgeon wants me to do more of (bike, swim, elliptical), and not being bitter about not being able to run.  I’ve also got to get over being disappointed in myself for multiple reasons, the least of which is that I can’t run the Jameson 5K at Homecoming next weekend, which was the initial plan.

The more I think about my knees and what I have done to them by simply being so fat for so long, the more angry and bitter about the whole thing I get.  And the more I think about how restricted I am by these knees, the more infuriated I get with myself for letting me stay so fat for as long as I did.  I feel a bit like I’m making up for 20 years of lost time by trying to be as active as I am, and it’s caught up to me with a vengeance.  I’m disappointed in myself.  I’m frustrated, and I’m fucking pissed that I let myself go like that.  I feel like I cheated myself out of so much life by choosing to do absolutely nothing about my health or my body. 

But, I can’t dwell on what’s past.  I’ve got to keep moving forward and pushing toward my goal, which seems so far away but in reality, isn’t.  199 is not too far off, and I’m determined to get there before 2015 gets here.  So I guess it’s time to put my big girl panties on, suck up whatever anger and bitterness resides within, and just DO THIS THING.

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