This week’s progress is following the pattern that I have come to recognize at this time of my cycle: slight gain before my period, followed by a slightly larger loss. So I’m hopeful that next week will show a loss on the scale. I knew I was a little puffy this morning when I got up and my feet felt stiff and turgid and my rings were a bit more snug. That’s the big indicator that I’m retaining water, aside from feeling bloated and having tender breasts. That’ll come later in the week, I’m sure. UGH.
My eating wasn’t horrible this week but it wasn’t the best either. Gotta get my eating priorities in order and aim for goal. So glad this is the last week of school so I can spend more time focusing on getting to where I eventually want my weight to be. I also need to set smaller goals for myself with rewards–I haven’t done this in a while. I am 5 weeks away from my 1-year mark, and I’m not close to where I want to be by the time I see my doctor again–still 9 pounds away from doc’s goal, but 19 from where I want to be by July 10, when I see him for my 1-year appointment.
DISCLAIMER: Under the cut, you’re going to encounter what a body that has lost nearly 170 pounds (nearly 210 from its heaviest weight) really looks like. If you’re post-op, then you have likely encountered the same sights. If you’re pre-op, just consider the photos you’ll see prep for what lies ahead for you, especially if you have over 100 pounds to lose. And if you’re drinking the Haterade because you see fat shaming as sport, just move along. I don’t have time to trifle with people of your ilk. You see, one of the unspoken benefits of having lost all this weight is that the degree to which I care what others think is quite low. In fact:
Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let me proceed with the rest of the post after the jump.
I have increased my activity to 3 workouts a week. Now that school is about to end, I’ve decided to just build an extra day into my schedule and keep it in there once school starts up again in the fall. I recognize that I am going to have to work twice as hard to lose weight now that I weigh less than I ever have, and that’s a hard fact I have to live with. I might as well start now. I’m struggling with this because I’m still stuck in the old mindset that I had when I weighed nearly twice as much: I hate to move, I hate to exercise, I hate being sweaty. It’s so hard to banish those thoughts from my head when it is so much easier to be a slug, but I also know that being a slug helped get me to 440 pounds. And I do NOT want to go back there. So to the gym with me it is. I do plan on adding other types of activity to my routine to keep myself from being bored with exercise. Once I get bored with something, I stop doing it, even if that thing is beneficial to me. I need challenge to stay engaged–don’t we all? But I know this about myself–challenge is what keeps my brain working hard, and is what motivates me in all aspects of my life, not just my health. It’s one of the reasons I create myself new things to get involved with professionally and personally.
This week I am going to give a yoga class a try. There is a studio in our area that’s offering Abby Lentz’ Heavyweight Yoga class. I’m really excited about this because yoga is something I have wanted to try for a while now, but haven’t felt comfortable going to because everyone else is smaller and more able than me. I really want to try it to see if I can build strength and flexibility. And the meditation aspect will do me good as well.
I am also considering a boot camp workout as well, but with the traveling I’ll be doing off and on during the summer, I don’t know if I will be able to commit to a long stretch of time. I don’t want to pay for classes and then not be able to go to them because I’m out of town. Perhaps this is something I should reserve for the school year. Perhaps I should just stick to trying out yoga every Saturday (that’s when the Heavyweight classes meet) and worry about adding in the bootcamp later. I also want to try some aquafit classes but I need to find some that meet after I’m done traveling so that I don’t miss any classes. Sometimes me keeping myself busy makes me my own worst enemy.
Can I just say that a good fitting bra makes a world of difference? I look like I’m standing up straighter in this picture and everything looks like it’s been pulled up and into place. I’d like to thank the girl at Nordstrom (Northpark) who helped me find a couple of them in the correct size. I haven’t ever worn the size I’m in, not even when I was a kid! There’s still one issue I have though.
I just want my belly not to stick out past my boobs. That’s the part of myself that I hate looking at each week when I have my picture made. I have a feeling though, that even once I get to goal, this will be an issue and only because I’ve got so. much. loose. skin.
It is fun to see what size my body is trying to settle into. But at the same time it is so hard to get accustomed to the body I’m whittling away into.
I feel like my hips are where they will most likely stay, as I can feel my pelvic bones when I put my hands on my hips and back. My chest is probably about where it is going to stay as well as I can easily feel my ribcage when I put my hands around my chest. I am feeling pretty bony these days, and I’m not quite sure I like it. It makes me wonder how I will feel about myself once I get to my goal weight. Sometimes I wonder if I should adjust what I want my goal weight to be based on how I feel about the way I look. I hate all the loose skin, I hate all the sagging, I hate the unearthing of all the veins, and I really dislike all the bones sticking out, especially the ones I can feel when I sit or lay down. I mean, I saw a vein over the knuckle in my index finger last week when I was pointing something out to a student in class one morning, and I was a little bothered by it. I’d never seen it before! I’m trying so hard to love this body I’m gaining by shedding this weight, but it is tough because the only body I’ve known my whole life is disappearing. Getting used to this new body that’s emerging from the fat cocoon it’s been encased in for 41 years is difficult to say the least. I’m having to learn to like what I see, and quite frankly, I don’t like it.
This is what I see every day in the mirror. And this isn’t all of it. This is just what I’m comfortable showing the world.
I DON’T LIKE IT. ONE BIT.
But I didn’t like being a 440-pound woman either. I didn’t like how it felt physically. I didn’t like how it felt emotionally. I didn’t like that I couldn’t dress well. I didn’t like that I was in excruciating pain most of the time. I didn’t like living with the fear that I could die in my sleep. I didn’t like feeling that any given day might be my last.
I do enjoy being able to move around without much pain (there is some lower back pain that is new to me). I enjoy that I can take stairs without being winded. I love that I can run again. I love that my resting heart rate is nearly half of what it was a year ago. I super love that I don’t take diabetes or blood pressure medicine anymore.
I love being able to wear smaller clothes. I love being able to Wear! All! The! Clothes! I have become quite the clotheshorse and think that I dress pretty f’n well for a woman of my size. And I am grateful for two things: that I can afford to dress nicely, and that the clothes I wear cover pretty much everything saggy and wrinkly. But I am not entirely sold on this new frame that I’m dressing these days. And I don’t know how to figure out how to love it. Those are not tools I have in my mental tool kit.
I can’t figure out how to love the new ME.
This is the biggest challenge of them all.