This week’s progress is good. With the adjustment in my calorie intake (I’m at 1100-1200 daily now), I’m still losing. Slowly, but still losing. It’s not a sprint, but a marathon, right? I don’t care how long it takes to get there as long as I get there.
The past few weeks have been a real mental fight for me as behavioral fatigue is setting in big time.
It gets old doing the same thing day after day, week after week. It has absolutely nothing to do with willpower (which I think is a bullshit concept, btw) and everything to do with discipline and self-control. Not gonna lie, both of those things have gotten harder to do these past few weeks. Part of it is that it’s the end of the school year, and part of it is that I’m just TIRED–mentally and physically. As much as I throw myself into my work, this is a part of the territory. It was like this before I had surgery and most likely always will be, because I have super high standards for the work I do. So long as I recognize this and adjust for it, I think I will be okay. Before I had surgery, the end of the school year was fatiguing and I slacked off on self-care. This time, I can’t afford to slack off on self-care because there is simply too much at stake here. I’ve lost an adult man off my body, and am working toward losing even more. I can’t derail myself now. I’ve invested so much time, effort, money and soul into this process. No going back now. That means changing old behaviors, which is hard to do. Thank goodness for the support group I go to weekly–it helps me stay focused. And it helps me to realize what my priorities should be, and that I am worth fighting for.
I did squeeze in another night at the gym this week, so I think I will do that again this week. I figure that now things have slowed down a bit at school that I can afford the time and spend it on my health rather than just sitting around and being a slug. These extra hours spent at the gym are especially important since now I am having to work that much harder to get the same benefits! Ironic, isn’t it–when you are smaller, you have to work harder and longer to achieve the same results that you were getting with less effort when you were bigger. I suppose that’s science for you. 🙂 I need to do some exercises for my core because my back aches more now than it did when I weighed 440 pounds. I didn’t think my back problems would get worse when I lost weight! I imagine that the pain is coming from the fact that my weight has shifted around so much that the stress is on a different set of muscles that are weak, so it’s time to work on strengthening them. And I’m pretty sure it’s my core that needs the work. Might be time to try the Zumba class at my gym that focuses on core work. I need to see when it meets, get over my dislike of group fitness classes and just GO.
I started lifting weights again this week so I am hoping that will tighten up a few flappity bits I have (and there are a LOT of them), build some muscle, and help me to burn off some more of this fat that still hangs out with me. The loose skin and what it’s leaving behind in its wake gets more disturbing by the week. I’m seeing so many anatomical remains (veins, cellulite lumps, wrinkles) than I ever saw when I weighed 200 pounds more, but I’m sure it was because there was fat to fill in the gaps that are now left behind. I love that my body can do so much more than it has ever been able to do, but I’m not loving the resulting imagery. I love that I can wear smaller, more stylish clothes, but I’m grateful that my clothes cover up nearly everything–they don’t cover the unsightly varicose veins in my calves, or the wrinkles in the wattle underneath my chin.
I just don’t want to hate the body I’m left with when I finish losing weight.