This week’s progress was pretty okay given that:
1. I ate more carbs than usual
2. I ate more calories than usual
3. I am retaining water (thanks, Nature, you suck)
I’m good with losing just shy of a pound–I’m just glad the scale keeps trending downward. I’ve learned to accept this mantra lately: I don’t care how long it takes me to get to my weight goal so long as I get there. This process is not a race. I am 12 pounds from my surgeon’s goal, and hopeful I will hit it before I see him again in July. I’m going to go hard at it these next 6 weeks. I will keep my eating the same, but my exercise has to increase. That’s where I’ve been lacking and I know it.
This week saw me trying the elliptical machine for the first time at the gym. I like it but it will take some getting used to. I think it is time to mix things up a bit with my cardio so the elliptical it is. The bike, while good, is getting too easy (even with riding intervals) and I know I’m not working hard enough. The elliptical, on the other hand, made me sweat and made muscles ache that haven’t before. I did also get a new bathing suit in the mail this week so I think heading to the pool at some point is in my near future. This summer I’d like to try and see if I can take some aqua aerobics classes at the rec center; I just have to see when they are. My dance card is quite full for the summer with work engagements and a vacation–haven’t had a real one of those in a couple of years, so that will be nice–so I have to see what is available since you buy classes for a block of time. I don’t want to buy a block of classes and not be able to go to half of them because I’m traveling.
My exercise goal for the week is to get to the gym a couple of times (as right now this is what my schedule permits), and walking as much as possible daily. My food goal is to stay at or around 1000 calories each day, with up to 1200 on the days I work out. On those days I will allow myself more carbs since I will need them to power my workout.
I am learning to deal with a lot of folks saying that they don’t recognize me, and that I don’t even look like me. This is a mixed blessing, really. On one hand, I don’t feel like I look that much different. I guess it is because in my head, I still see the fatter version of me. Yes, I still consider myself fat, because I am. I guess I always will be, in my mind. That has been the hardest thing to wrap my head around–the fact that I am no longer super morbidly obese, and that I no longer take up as much physical space as I once did. I still move like I weigh 440 pounds. I still have trouble negotiating physical spaces because in my mind, there are spaces I shouldn’t fit into because mentally, I’m still huge. Hell, I still use the handicapped stalls in public bathrooms because I’m afraid I won’t fit into the regular stalls. And actually part of the reason I use the handicapped stall is that the toilets generally sit up higher than they do in the regular stalls. My knees are shot and I have trouble squatting down to get to the lower-set toilet. So the handicapped stall it is.
I just want to know when the perception that I still weigh nearly twice my weight will quit invading my thoughts. I want to know when that stops so that I can start living as a regular-sized person. When will I finally get to know what it is like to be a “normal” sized human being? Because even though I’m approaching the weight of one, I sure as hell don’t feel like one.