Post-Op Week 41 Progress Report: Buckling Down and Filling a Void

Slight gain this week, but I am not surprised.  Given that I lost nearly 6 pounds last week, this pound up doesn’t surprise me.  I also had a bit more sodium than usual yesterday and didn’t drink as much water as I normally do.  I’ve also eaten a little more starch than usual lately, which is not something I normally do either.

I know what I need to do; I just need to buckle down and do it.  Sometimes self-discipline is tough.  Believe it or not, self-discipline is something I’ve sorely lacked where eating is concerned.  The lack of self-discipline in my eating is what got me to 440 pounds.  So when I say that this new normal of mine has been more than challenging, I’m not exaggerating one bit.

I need to get back to my Daily Bite photojournaling.  I log everything I eat and drink in MyFitnessPal, but I’ve fallen off the photojournaling for the past month.  I really need to get back on that train, because I think it helps me add yet another layer of self-accountability, something else that I lacked for so long.

I won’t lie, I’ve slacked off in a lot of little ways.  But the little things do add up to big things if you let them.  So it’s time to tighten the reins, dial back the carb intake, increase my exercise, and get back on track.  These last 64 pounds aren’t going to leave my body without some real hard work, and I’ve gotta put in work to get them gone.  NOW.

On a good note, I took my measurements yesterday and am stoked to report that nearly 9 feet of me is missing. 104 inches gone all around.  I am also now at the weight that most folks who pursue weight loss surgery START at.  This is both exciting and sobering at the same time:  exciting in that I am approaching my goal (slowly but surely), but sobering in that I keep thinking, “Shit, I was HUGE!”

It’s depressing to realize that I was so big, unhealthy, and miserable.  Daily, I try to focus on how good I feel and look now.  But then I remember that I spent my whole life to this point that way–huge, miserable, and in constant pain.  I’m angry that I let myself get like that.  I resent myself for letting it happen, and not doing something about it sooner.  I know, I know–I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t sure, I get all that.  But I sure wish someone had lit the fire under my ass sooner.  There is so much I did not get to do when I was younger that I feel I cannot do now because of the wear and tear on my body of carrying around the equivalent to another large full-grown human being on my frame.

I suppose I should be glad I decided to finally do something about my health so I don’t have to spend the second half of my life like I did the first.  But I’m pissed that I won’t be able to do some of the things I would have liked to because my body’s torn up and broken.  This makes me sad, angry, and hurt.

I’ve had this recurring theme running through my head this week, and I don’t know why.  It’s almost like I’m thinking about why I used to eat so much, and so frequently.  Now I can’t do that.  Thank goodness my sleeve doesn’t let me–for this, I am eternally grateful.

But I think I’m replacing food with the need to buy things, namely clothes.  I have a closet full of clothes and not enough days in the week to wear them all.

I feel like I’m filling a void.

But what is the space I’m trying to fill?  And why is it there?  Where did it come from, and why?  I need to figure out why I keep trying to fill whatever this empty space in my soul is with things, and figure out why that space is there in the first place.  I feel like I need to fill it with something that isn’t a thing, but what?

Something to continue to think about.

Last year when I was getting ready to have surgery, we went out to Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas, where an installation of the B&G was out front.  The Dallas Visitors and Convention Bureau has had this promotion going on all year long called “Big Things Are Happening in Dallas,” and all over town there are giant B&G letters with a space in between for you to stand.  So last year, when we found the set of letters at the hospital where I thought I would be having my surgery (it was later changed), we went out there and took pictures.  Today we went and found another installation of the B&G letters and took a photo, one year later.

Quite a difference, no?

Not so big anymore.  104 inches, 162.6 pounds, 5 pants sizes and 6 shirt sizes later…there I am, healthier and happier than I’ve been in a long, long time.

This week’s challenge:  righting myself and getting back on track with photojournaling my food each day.  Holding myself accountable in every way, not just with MFP and weekly progress reports.  Getting back to writing more often.  And finally, moving my ass more every day.  Starting tonight while I watch “Mad Men.”  I’ll be doing laps back and forth here in the condo during the commercials in between the minutes spent with Don Draper.