Right now I look like this:
So why do I still think that I look like this:
I struggle daily with self-perception. I get told more and more lately things like:
You’re so tiny!
Hey, Skinny Minnie!
You’re going to waste away to nothing!
You are getting so small!
I really have a tough time believing this. I see myself as the woman in the bottom photo. I have a hard time negotiating space because I still move around like I take up more space than I actually do. In fact, tonight I was at my Rotary Club meeting and we had a happy hour social at our usual meeting spot, but not in the room where we normally meet. We met in the back at the bar area, which is full of booths–something I am still wary of because for so long I didn’t fit in them at all. Some of my fellow Rotarians and I grabbed a wraparound booth and I sized it up before I attempted to sit down because I honestly didn’t believe that I’d fit.
And much to my surprise and disbelief, I did. With room to spare, even.
I know that the head has a tough time catching up to the body after one loses a tremendous amount of weight in a short period of time. I just didn’t realize it would be this tough.
When will I stop seeing myself as the 400+ pound woman and start seeing myself as the smaller, healthier version of myself? When will I finally realize that the body I currently occupy is going to continually change and shrink down and that given the current health behaviors I practice, I won’t see the 400+ pound version of myself again?
Definitely need to talk about this in therapy. It might also be time to carve some time out of my schedule to meet with Dr. A since I haven’t had a one-on-one with him since my follow up with him last spring. I see him every week in group, but it’s not the same.
I just want to believe that the body I have is here to stay.