I think I shook the funk I was in yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. Without a doubt, it’s been the toughest one so far during these past 6 months. I have a feeling it won’t be the last one.
I think I haven’t been adequately prepared for the bumps in the road. I haven’t been appropriately counseled about how to handle these setbacks when they happen. And maybe it’s because I haven’t asked for that help. I need to develop good coping skills that don’t throw me into a tailspin, because the ones I have suck.
I have never known how to handle things well when they do not go my way, or when they don’t go as I planned them to. My usual method of coping is to beat myself up until I’m bloodied and broken (not literally, mind you!) and feeling worse about myself than I did to begin with. I know this is unhealthy. But I don’t think that having sunshine blown up my ass with positive affirmation is necessarily the way for me to cope, either. Over the years I’ve learned to tell myself to worry only about the things I can control, so I try to do this as much as possible. There is no use in worrying about the things I can’t control, so why bother? It’s easier to worry about the things I have a direct influence over, so I do. Sometimes I think it’s to my detriment.
What I ended up doing yesterday that made me feel better was think about all the things I have been able to accomplish in 6 months that didn’t involve the scale. And the fact that these are things that have happened, and still exist this morning–they didn’t change overnight just because I gained 1.4 pounds–made me feel better today.
But for every thing I can think of that I’ve accomplished that is good and good for me, there is its counterpart: some remnant of my 440-pound self rears its ugly head. Today that took the form of my stiff left knee and aching lower back. I thought I’d ditched those pains with the weight I’ve lost so far, but apparently not. I am moving around like an 80-year old today, and it frustrates me to no end. I’m hoping that the back pain is just my body’s way of saying OHAI, YOU HAVE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT AND WE’RE JUST SHIFTING STUFF AROUND OKAY? KTHNXBAI! because it really, really sucks. It’s the kind of pain that takes your breath away when the twinges happen. I haven’t had pain like this since immediately post-op. And don’t even get me started on my knee.
I also have to learn to love the wrinkles, lumps, and bumps being left behind by my exiting fat. Sadly, I have not been blessed with skin that bounces back so I have a LOT of wrinkly skin that quite frankly, disgusts me. And it’s in places I never expected it to be–my forearms, my neck. It makes me feel so old, when really, I am pretty young. And I really don’t like it. One bit.
But realistically, there is little that I can do about it. I’m going to fight my genes on this one, and I might lose. I can do all kinds of toning exercises, slather on all kinds of skin-tightening creams, and keep getting in my protein, but I’ll still probably lose this fight. And I need to learn to deal with it. I need more tools in my toolbox, and I need to build them quickly because I still have a long way to go before I get to the other thing I’m scared of: maintenance. I can’t even think about that right now when there is still so much road in front of me.
Today I was a protein beast, mostly because I ate turkey and chicken at pretty much all my meals. I was over my calorie target by 100 calories (I am for 900, today I was at 1000), but got in 113 grams protein, 45 grams carbs and 38 grams fat. The crappy thing is that I was still hungry, even after dinner. I might need to start taking an antacid at night because I know acid production can mimic hunger as well. I know it’s not my water intake–I drank a gallon of water today!