It Doesn’t Get Old But It Will Fade, and Then What?

“You look really good!”
“You are looking awesome!”
“You are doing such a good job!”

Hearing these things definitely does NOT get old.

I have heard these things more this week than I ever have.  But I suppose when you lose nearly 140 pounds, work in a school with a faculty that numbers nearly 400, and don’t see them very often, it’s bound to happen sooner than later.I’m drinking it in now because I know there will be a time when I don’t hear the gushing praise because that will be the point at which my weight loss stops and maintenance begins.  I’m not going to worry about how I will cope with that now because it’s a ways off.  Right now I have to worry about how to cope with so much praise so that I don’t use it as an excuse to dabble in behaviors that won’t be beneficial to my weight loss.  You know the behavior type I’m talking about.

“Oh but I’ve done (insert something good), so it’s okay for me to do (insert something that won’t really benefit me at all).”

This is wrongheaded thinking, and it’s gotten me in trouble before:  it led me down a path to self-sabotage.  I’ve done it to myself before in other contexts, and the results were not pretty.  It’s a long, long story that I don’t feel comfortable writing about, but one instance of self-sabotage led me to spend a year in a deep, deep depressive funk that nearly wrecked my professional career.  I don’t know how, but somehow I pulled myself out of it (nearly 100 pounds heavier).

I don’t want to go through something like that again.

I’m terrified of undoing all the good I’ve done to myself.

So I keep pushing, pushing, pushing.

I keep making sure I track everything I eat.

I keep making sure I aim for at least 14 cups (or more) of water daily.

I keep making sure I take my vitamins daily.

I keep making sure I get movement into my day and that I get to the gym at least 3 times a week (setting that workouts goal was a smart idea!).

I keep trying to tell myself that what I’m doing is working even when the scale doesn’t move.

I keep reminding myself that I am not a dog and that food rewards are inappropriate for the good things I do.

I try to remind myself that I am worth the good things I am doing for myself and that I deserve to enjoy a longer, healthier life.

I have to make sure I don’t screw this up for myself.  Not when my surgeon’s goal is on the horizon, and my own goal is not too far behind that.

Because some day, the compliments will stop and my ego won’t be stroked continuously.

I won’t be reminded that I look good, awesome, or that I’m doing such a good job.

I’ll look like every other healthy person, and no one rewards that with compliments.

I’m a little behind on sharing my food–this week has been pretty busy, and adjusting to being back at work with a routine after 2 weeks off without a routine is always tough.  So here’s the goods.  I’ve been dialing back the carbs since Tuesday’s carbfest, but tomorrow I will likely eat a few more since I will be going to the gym.  I have decided to hit Zumba on Saturday morning since I have a conflicting appointment that happens at the same time as the Friday night class.  Also my hormones are a little wacky right now–it is the middle of my cycle, I am broken out all over like I’m 13 again, and if it’s not nailed down, I pretty much want to eat it.  Nature, you suck.

Today’s food choices, from upper right: Central Market chicken tortilla soup (with extra chicken) and mixed green salad; Italian style meatball; Jack Link’s beef jerky; roasted Brussels sprouts and red potatoes with bacon; scrambled egg with turkey sausage and a little cheese; multivitamin and calcium supplements x2, iron supplement.  I got in 93 grams protein, 35 grams carbs, and 48 grams fat (more than I wanted, sadface).

Yesterday’s food choices, from upper right: grilled salmon, mixed veggies (I picked out and ate the broccoli only) and green beans; roasted barbecue chicken breast; one-egg omelet with ham and cheese; Trader Joe’s Monterey Jack cheese stick; vegetable beef stew; multivitamin and calcium supplements x2, iron supplement. Not shown: 2 saltine crackers.  On this day, I got in 91 grams protein, 25 carbs and 49 fat (most from the salmon).