Dear People Who Stare Disdainfully At Me Everywhere I Go:
Go ahead. Ogle me with your eyes, mouth agape, jaw completely slack. Go ahead and think the completely judgmental thoughts you’re thinking about me–I don’t give a flying fuck. This has happened my whole life so I’m used to it. Doesn’t mean I like it, but I’m used to it by now. My skin is pretty thick.
You don’t know me, you won’t know me, and I don’t want to know you. All I need to know about you I’ve learned from your disapproving stares. You know the one, because you’ve perfected it by giving every fat person you see the Exact. Same. Stare.
You know the one–the one that makes every fat person uncomfortable no matter if they’re only 50 pounds overweight or 250 pounds overweight. You know the one–the stare that cuts holes through the souls of the folks subject to it, and that makes them feel small, and not in a good way.
What you don’t know is that I am a work in progress.
You don’t know how heart-wrenchingly difficult it was for me to make the decision to have weight loss surgery after spending decades in a body that just couldn’t keep the weight off, no matter what modifications to behavior or diet were tried (and so many were tried).
You don’t know that it is likely that I’ve already lost an amount of weight that is probably equivalent to your skinny ass off of my body. You don’t know that I am vigilant about the things I put into my body now, and that I meticulously document every bite, lick, taste, and sip. You don’t know that I go to a therapist and a support group weekly to learn new behaviors for this new lifestyle I’ve adopted. You don’t know that I also belong to three online support groups for bariatric surgery patients because I need all the help I can get in this fight for my life (and each and every day is a fight). You don’t know that I squeeze in exercise when my busy schedule allows me to do so, and how much this frustrates me.
I am a work in progress. And yes, I am still fat, even after losing 167 pounds from my heaviest weight.
You don’t know how hard it is to unlearn so many deep-seated food behaviors–many of which involve your upbringing–in the hopes that learning new behaviors will finally, finally give you a fighting chance at a healthy life.
And every other fat person you cast that stare of disdain and disapproval upon? They’re works in progress too.
So cast that disapproving stare inward and look hard at yourself. You are likely a work in progress too.
I’m behind on my daily bites, so here they are for yesterday and today. I was a protein beast yesterday, getting in 88 grams. I got in 28 grams of carbs and 30 grams of fat, so overall a great day.
Today I got in 83 grams of protein, 38 carbs and a bit more fat than I like with 46 grams. Gotta cut back on the cheese…