Good loss this week, despite being waterlogged (thanks, hormones, you suck). I’m actually surprised to post a loss because I’m retaining water in the worst way even though I drink like it’s my job pretty much every day.
As of today I have also lost a little over 66 inches from all over my body. This trips me out because that’s a little over 2 inches longer than I am tall. So another way to look at this is that I have lost a 5’6″ woman who weighs 114 pounds off of my body.
Great perspective, isn’t it?
I am the smallest I have ever been as an adult, but there are many days that I still feel like the 440-pound woman I was at my heaviest. I know my mind is still grappling with the fact that every week when I see myself in the mirror, I’m not seeing the me that I lived with up until 5 months ago. Trying to make that adjustment has been the toughest part of this process, no doubt. I’m glad that I have elected to see a therapist on a weekly basis to help me process this, and that I go to a weight loss support group every week as well. Both of these things have really helped me as I work through this transition, and I don’t know that I would be nearly as successful as I am without their help. So if you’re considering weight loss surgery, please don’t neglect your mental health as a part of your getting healthy process. Your psyche needs work too.
Today marks 5 months since I began this final attempt at weight loss. I say final, because after I get to goal, I’m going to fight like hell to stay in maintenance. Today also happens to mark me reaching the halfway point to my total loss goal.
The fact that I am officially at the halfway point to my personal weight loss goal is both exciting and scary all at once. It is exciting to think that in this short amount of time, I’ve been able to lose as much weight as I have. Seeing the drastic changes I’ve seen happen to and with my body over the past 5 months has also been exciting–who wouldn’t be excited about ditching diabetes, high blood pressure and getting low cholesterol numbers? And who wouldn’t be pumped about losing 4 pants and shirt sizes in that short amount of time?
What am I scared of? I am scared of self-sabotage. I am one of those who, when really successful at something, has a really tough time dealing with it. Why? I have no idea. Maybe there are feelings that I don’t deserve to be successful lurking inside. Maybe there are feelings that I don’t deserve happiness buried inside. Whatever it is that causes me to go completely off the rails, I need to pin it down, wrestle with it, and choke the life out of it so that when I get to both my surgeon’s goal AND my goal, I don’t wreck all the hard work I know I will have done.
I am scared of what being smaller will be like, because I don’t know this state of being. I’m learning to get used to the compliments that I get every week–this has been difficult, because I’ve never gotten so many compliments on my appearance before. I’ve always been complimented on how well I do my job, how smart I am, and how nice I am, but never on how good I looked. And now that it’s a regular occurrence, it is something I’ve had to learn to get accustomed to. Not going to lie, it is a big ego boost, but I know eventually it will stop. So I’m trying to enjoy it while I can.
I’m scared of maintenance. I don’t know how to maintain a large weight loss, but you know what? Like I said before, I will fight like hell to stay at my goal once I get there. I don’t want to be smaller than the goal I’ve set for myself (I think I will look anemic and heroin chic), and I don’t want to be bigger than my goal weight either (been there, done that). I’ve been fighting with my body for the past five months, so I don’t expect the fight to stop once I hit goal.
I’m just going to chug along toward my December goal–I’m 13 pounds away from it. I’m hopeful I’ll hit it before Christmas so that by the time I see my surgeon again in January, I’ll be in a weight range I previously never imagined I’d see: the 260’s.
Crazy how this surgery works, isn’t it?
Enough about head trips and goals, let’s talk about food!
Today’s protein: 80 grams, on the nose. A late get-up prevented me from eating a proper breakfast, but the sleep was oh so good! I slept hardcore and felt totally rested once I got out of bed. I haven’t felt that way in a long time, which tells me that I need to quit running 90 to nothing and take better care of myself by getting adequate sleep. A little higher fat day today than I like (42 grams) but tomorrow’s jaunt to the gym to ride the bike and walk on the treadmill (UGH) will take care of that.