In a Funk

Lately, I’m just not feelin’ it.

I don’t know if it’s general physical fatigue, behavioral fatigue, mental fatigue, or just an overall feeling of blah.

But whatever it is, I don’t like it.

I hate feeling like this, but I have this feeling a couple of times a year and one of those times is always in the fall/winter.  It makes me wonder sometimes if I’ve got seasonal affective disorder.  Sometimes the funk lasts a few days, and sometimes it lasts for a couple of weeks at a time.  Regardless of the duration, I feel very out of sorts when I am in the funk and there is little I can do to feel better.  Before surgery, I would self-medicate with comfort foods.  But now I can’t do that.  Time to find another coping mechanism because using food is not going to cut it.

This funk could also be my general feeling of dissatisfaction with a lot of things lately:

• My hair continues to fall out by the handful.  This distresses me greatly.  As I’ve mentioned before, I’m terrified of getting it cut because it’s so thin and fine.  But I need a haircut in the worst way because my hair has grown out of the cut I got back in August, and I really hate the way my hair looks now.  This is not doing my self esteem any favors.
• I can’t seem to stay warm anywhere I go.  I hate being cold more than anything, because it seems I can’t bundle up enough without still feeling ice cold.  It’s like my hypothalamus is broken or something.  My hands, feet, and nose are constantly cold.  Part of the problem is that my classroom is a chilly 60 degrees every day, and no matter how many layers I wear, I can’t get warm.
• I’m portion creeping and I know it.  I’ve got to quit.  A couple of times this week I’ve eaten a few bites too many and felt miserable afterward.  This is going to take some cognitive behavior restructuring to fix I think.  I have to think about why I’m doing it, what benefit I’m getting from it (not a one), and how I can fix it (stop serving myself so much damn food).  I’m disappointed in my behavior because this is precisely one of the things that led me to seek out a surgical way to control my weight in the first place.  I need help with this before it gets too far out of control.
• I need to be cooking and eating at home more and eating out less.  This is another thing that was problematic for me prior to surgery.  My schedule lately hasn’t allowed for me to cook as much as I’d like, so I’ve been going out quite a bit for meals and eyeballing things.  I will say this, I’ve been choosing protein first, as that’s the cardinal rule of eating for WLS patients.  But I’m straying from measuring and weighing, and that’s not good.
• I need more sleep.  Plain and simple.  I have a tough time lately getting adequate sleep, and this is throwing everything else off kilter.  I’m drowning in work stuff, trying to stay afloat with my nearly doubled student load, and struggling mightily to stay on top of the doubled grading load, usual planning and everything else that comes with teaching an AP course.  I’ve had harder years, but this one is starting to rank right up there with the years where I taught 4 preps.
• Inconsistent restriction with my sleeve.  There are some days where my restriction is fantastic.  Three ounces of food and I’m done.  Then there are days where I feel like a bottomless pit.  Those are the days I hate, because even if I take 20 minutes to eat, I still feel like I can eat more.  I hate this feeling.

I just feel blah about this process lately.  It is a lot of work to maintain this lifestyle, and I knew it would be.  The only thing keeping me motivated at the moment is seeing things like this:

I still can’t believe that I wear an XL now.

I’ve actually bent the guard down a little more now, and the ring is still loose.

These are the things that keep me motivated and encouraged by the things I am doing.  They also reinforce the good things I do for myself on a daily basis, like fighting the Fat Girl’s desire for a plate of beef enchiladas, a basket of chips and salsa, or a gooey slice of pizza by eating something healthy I’ve prepared myself, drinking my water, and making sure I get my ass up and move during the day.

But when I’m tired, or don’t have time to fix proper meals for myself, or have time to go on a walk, the Fat Girl sometimes can’t be rationalized with, and this sucks.  I have got to learn to deal with her at these times more effectively.  While I am a planner, sometimes all the planning and foresight in the world can’t head off Fat Girl’s want for instant gratification at mealtime.  I have to figure this out, and soon.  If I don’t, I can see this being something that derails any future progress I might make toward my goal.

So much to think about.

Today’s protein:  87 grams.  I didn’t feel much like eating today, but I made myself eat at breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I worked in two small snacks today as well.

Today’s food choices, from upper right: Trader Joe’s chocolate nibs (12); Sargento reduced fat cheese stick; calcium and iron supplements (I forgot my multivitamin today); Goldfish crackers (25); leftover roast turkey breast, mashed potatoes and sauteed zucchini (I ended up not eating the zucchini); grilled boneless pork chop, mixed veggies, mashed potatoes and brown gravy (I ate a couple of small broccoli florets and a couple of forkfuls of potatoes); barbecue chicken drumstick meat.

Yesterday’s protein was high at 91 grams.

Thursday’s food choices, from upper right: Rudy’s egg, bean and bacon breakfast bowl (ate half of a 6 oz bowl); roast turkey breast, sauteed zucchini and mashed potatoes with a cube of foccacia; Texas style chili with cheddar cheese and saltine crackers (not shown); multivitamin and calcium supplements x2, B12 and iron supplements. I ate the remaining beans in the breakfast bowl as a mid-morning snack.