Still So Much to Learn

After getting a few things out in my therapy session tonight, I determined that there is much I still have to learn about this new lifestyle I’ve created for myself.

Remembering that this sleeve is a tool and ONLY a tool for weight loss, I still have to learn:

• How to look in the mirror every day and learn that the shrinking me is the me that I’ll see from now on.  I won’t physically see the Fat Girl but she will always live on in my soul and will always be a part of me.
• That slider foods like soup really should be avoided whenever possible unless they are the meal itself, and that they’d better have a bunch of protein in them if I’m going to make it worth my while to eat it.  So for example, tomato soup < chili.
• How to change my identity so that I am no longer “a fat Mexican” because this is how I’ve identified myself for so long, and now that identity is going away.  This is one I need to work on because it’s the one that I think is most deeply psychically rooted.
• How to control myself in situations traditionally associated with food, like holidays, going to the movies and the like.  You know I haven’t been to the movies since the spring, and the main reason why?  There’s popcorn there.  Popcorn for me is like my meth–I see others whose food diaries I view on MyFitnessPal who eat popcorn on the regular, and I shake my head because I know that there is no way that I could eat popcorn at this stage of the game.  I’d eat the whole damned bag because salty foods are my Kryptonite; I am a savory eater and have a very difficult time controlling my eating behavior when the food is particularly salty and crunchy.  I don’t know that I will ever be able to eat popcorn again because of this, and this makes me a little sad because I LOVE popcorn.  I will have to find an alternative that serves the same purpose and that is healthy.  Or I will have to find a way to redirect this behavior.
• How not to be judgmental of others who are on the same path but not taking the same route.  Again, in looking at others’ food diaries on MyFitnessPal, I see what other people who have been successful at this weight loss game so far have been eating, and it truly makes me wonder, “what the hell are you doing eating that?  Isn’t that the same stuff that got you to the point of choosing surgery in the first place?”  For example, there is this one person whose diary I browse every once in a while and it includes things like fast food, ice cream and snack foods like chips and cookies–all things my dietician and surgeon basically said were to be avoided at all costs.  Mind you the person whose diary this is doesn’t have nearly as much to lose as I do, but still…why would someone have this surgery and then NOT change their eating behaviors?  I don’t get it.  And I’m trying not to be judgy, but it’s tough.  But I also recognize that there’s more than one way to skin a cat, and I am pretty sure there are folks out there who look at my daily food collages and think, what the hell are you doing eating THAT?

There really is so much left to learn.  And I’m pretty sure I’ll take the rest of my life to learn it.

Today’s eating was pretty awesome:  101 grams protein and only 34 grams of fat.  Still low on carbs–31 grams, but they were all from veggies.  I learned that I can eat Brussels sprouts again, which makes me immensely happy because they are one of my favorite vegetables, so I’ll be buying a bag of frozen ones at the store next time I’m there.  It simply doesn’t make economic sense to buy a fresh bag since I could only eat 3 baby sprouts!  And what yummy sprouts they were. 🙂

Today’s food choices, from upper right: honey barbecue chicken breast with green beans almondine; chicken “pizza” casserole; vitamin C and D supplements; multivitamin, calcium, iron and B12 supplements; baked chicken breast with mashed potatoes and Brussels sprouts; house roasted sliced roast beef from Central Market with a slice of Tillamook sharp cheddar cheese.