Yesterday I hit one of what I know will be several milestones as I work to make this sleeve work to my advantage. And because now I know roughly what kind of capacity my sleeve was designed to hold (thanks, operation notes!), I can plan accordingly for success.
I crossed the 50 pounds lost mark, which puts me right in the middle of the weight range I have struggled to get out of as an adult attempting to lose weight. This is what I have deemed The Range.
The Range is a 12 pound span that every time I have attempted to lose weight I can never get out of, no matter how hard I try. No amount of exercise, change in nutrient balance, or tweaking of whatever program I happen to be on at the time of my attempted weight loss causes the scale to budge out of The Range.
The Range has taunted me for a good 15 years. Stepping on the scale and seeing a number within The Range always makes me uneasy because every time I’ve landed squarely at a weight within The Range, I can never get out of it. Not. Even. Once. Now, I know I’ve weighed less than any of the numbers within The Range, because how else did I get to be so heavy to start with? But in the past 15 years I have never been able to get out of The Range, and it has been the source of a great deal of angst, frustration and just plain anger.
When I talked with the therapist who did my psych evaluation at our last one-on-one meeting in April, I told him that I was afraid of failing my sleeve because The Range was a set of weights I could never get out of before. I told him that I would finally believe that the surgery was working when I could get out of and stay out of The Range.
So as I sit squarely in the middle of The Range, I have some anxiety about getting out of it. The rational biologist in me tells me that yes, I will get out and stay out because I’m simply not taking in the calories needed to maintain my weight in The Range and I’m expending way more energy than I’m taking in. I also no longer have the stomach capacity I once had–where I could hold up to 2 liters, now I can only hold between 4-6 ounces. You would think that armed with this knowledge, I’d be okay with the realization that getting out of The Range is a distinct eventuality. But no.
Unfortunately, the rational biologist’s voice isn’t loud enough or strong enough to overpower the apprehensive, emotional woman’s voice that I hear whenever this happens to me. Her voice is full of doubt, frustration and sadness because she knows I’ve been here before on multiple occasions. It feels a bit like The Bride training with Pai Mei in Kill Bill 2:
Like The Bride and the board she tries to break, The Range simultaneously haunts and motivates me at the same time. I’m haunted by the fact that I’ve never been able to get out of it, no matter what I try to do to escape it. But I’m motivated, because now I have an extremely powerful tool that will help me overcome the hurdles I’ve had to jump to try and get out of The Range. So far this tool has helped me get to 51 pounds lost in a very short amount of time. My blood sugars are improving, I’m feeling better and have more energy each day, and now I’m just waiting for more weight to come off so that I can really jump into working out and toning up.
In other news, I went to my 2-week follow up appointment this morning and was told I could return to full activity in 4 more weeks. It’s a good thing, because I am fairly limited in what I can do right now. I was cleared to lift between 10-20 pounds today, so I may start doing some simple bicep curls and tricep extensions with hand weights I have here at home just to start working on the bingo flaps. I am hopeful that even this little bit of movement will help me get out of The Range and stay out.
So right as school begins, I am clear to lift weights, ride the recumbent bike and swim. I can’t wait. I’m ready to rock this sleeve and get myself the health and body I deserve to last me the rest of my life.