What does thin feel like?

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

That quote has to be the biggest crock of shit ever, especially if you’ve never been thin.

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I was always a big kid. Thin has never been something I’ve ever felt. Thin is not something I can really even conceive of, because it’s something I’ve never been.

Likewise, if you’ve never been fat, you have no idea what it’s like. Sure, you may have put on a few pounds here and there so that your favorite jeans don’t fit, and so to you, that’s fat. Or you may have eaten a little too much at your birthday dinner, and so you feel the need to exclaim, “oh my gah, I’m soooo fat!”

As a fat woman, I can tell you, that ain’t fat.

Try being the 13 year old kid who has to shop in the women’s department for a size 18W pair of pants, or being the 9 year old whose PE teacher exclaims, “Oh my God, you’re 100 pounds” as she reads your weight off the scale in front of everyone on the day of Presidential Fitness testing. Try being the woman who gets told minutes before takeoff that she must purchase another seat on the flight because she takes up more than her designated space.

To be those people is to put yourself in my shoes. Until you’ve actually been fat, you have no idea what it’s like. Which brings me back to that inane saying above. I’ve never been thin, and I know that based on my body frame alone, I will never be truly thin. I only know that I will be thinner than I am now–something I am continuing to work toward.

I also know that the food I put into my mouth tastes good, and that it is just food–neither good nor bad. It just is. I refuse to deny myself things that taste good in the name of being thin. To deny myself the things I love to eat is to set myself up for the inevitable massive bender, in which I eat those things in great quantity uncontrollably. I would much rather have small bites or amounts of those things rather than cut them out of my life altogether. I think that life is much too short to eat the things you don’t really enjoy, so why not just control how much of those things you consume? It’s worked for me so far, but I’ll admit, there are still some times when portion control is a challenge for me. It is something I struggle with daily, much like an alcoholic struggles with whether or not to drink; I struggle with how much of something I should or should not eat.

Eating got me to my heaviest weight, and eating has gotten me 100 pounds away from it. I still have quite a bit to go, and when I get to what I think my goal weight is, I still won’t be considered thin by all the standard measures–in fact, I’ll still be considered obese. I do know that it is thinner than I’ve ever been as an adult, and that once I get there, I will certainly celebrate because I will finally know what it feels like to be thin.

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